Going through IVF is a roller-coaster of emotions. There are steep moments of hope, then sudden drops of disappointment, never really knowing what’s wrong round the corner. If you know someone on their IVF journey, you might be wondering how best to help – without overstepping, offering wrong advice, or relying on the well-meaning cliches.
We’ll be going over what IVF is, why it can be so emotionally and physically challenging, and most importantly: how you can be there for them each step of the way.
What is IVF?
To help understand someone’s journey better, we’ll start by going on what happens during the IVF process. IVF (in-vitro fertilisation) simply means the egg and sperm are brought together in a lab dish until they become a tiny embryo (a blastocyst). Putting the embryo back into the womb at this stage gives it a better chance of implanting. Here are the stages:
- Stimulation: Daily hormone injections are given usually a 14 day dose, this encourages the eggs follicular growth, meaning more eggs can be collected.
- Egg retrieval: This is a short procedure which is under sedation to collect the eggs.
- Fertilisation: The eggs and sperm meet in the lab, then the embryos develop for 5-6 days.
- Embryo transfer: One, sometimes two, embryos are placed into the uterus, followed by the anxious two week wait to find out if they are pregnant.
Each round can typically take 4 to 6 weeks from the first injection all the way to the pregnancy test, some people may have to go through several cycles of this.
Emotional support and empathy
One of the biggest gifts you can offer someone going through IVF is your emotional presence. It might not sound like much, but just being there can mean a lot. IVF can feel like an isolating journey, so just by knowing someone is thinking of them can make a difference.
While the IVF process is physical, it can take an emotional toll on a person/couple. The hormone changes, the 2 week waiting period to find out if IVF was successful, and the possibility of disappointment.
Small check-ins like, “Just thinking of you today, you don’t need to reply but I am here.” Let them know you’re there for them without the pressure to respond if they’re having a tough day. Let them lead the conversation, if they want to talk about it, they will – not everyone wants to open up.
Language do’s and don’ts
Words carry weight, especially when it’s something as personal IVF. Most of the time people mean well, but words can unintentionally hurt.
Words to avoid
- “Just relax, it’ll happen when the time is right.”
- “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “Why don’t you just adopt?”
- “You’re only young, you’ll be fine!”
Comments like these can come across as dismissive or oversimplifying the process.
Supportive things to say to say instead
- “I’m here for you, whatever you need.”
- “This must be really hard. I’m thinking of you.”
- “Would you like to talk about it, or would you rather be distracted today?”
- “No pressure to update me, just know I’m always here if you want to chat.”
Celebrating (and cushioning) milestones
IVF is full of small victories and difficult setbacks. It’s not just about the final result, there are many emotional moments along the way.
- Good news? A message like, “That’s amazing news, I’m so happy for you! Sending all my love for the next steps,” is supportive without being overwhelming.
- Bad news? “I’m so sorry. I’m here whenever you feel ready to talk or need a distraction.” This leaves space and lets them decide if they/when want to open up.
Boundaries
It’s natural to want to stay involved, especially if you’re close, but let them guide how much they share and when they share it. Some people want to talk through every step; others prefer to be a bit more private.
- Don’t ask for updates unless they’ve said they want to keep you in the loop.
- Never share their IVF news with others unless you’ve been explicitly told it’s ok to do.
- Be mindful of group chats, or pregnancy news that could unintentionally hurt.
How You Can Offer Help
While emotional support is very important to their journey, it’s also a physically demanding process, so a little hands-on help is almost always going to be helpful.
- Offer to drive them to appointments or pick them up afterward.
- Drop off meals during their stimulation or recovery days.
- Ask: “Is there anything I can do to help out this week?”
In conclusion
Supporting someone through their IVF journey isn’t about finding the most perfect words or trying to solve their problems. It’s about showing up and listening to their needs as they ebb and flow.
