From the age of 26 I noticed my hands shaking mainly when I was in situations that made me anxious. After noticing this it seemed to amplify my hand tremor, as thinking about it seemed to make it worse. This continued for the next few years and I just assumed I was struggling with anxiety brought on by stress. I felt I was in this bubble of my own thoughts where I watched people watching me, constantly worrying if they had noticed my hands shaking.
When I was in my late twenties I was on holiday with my friend in the Canaries. Sun, Sea and relaxation…who am I kidding I was young and was there to have fun as well lol. After only a couple of days my hand tremors kicked in. I couldn’t even feel comfortable eating breakfast in the hotel as I had noticed others staring when I was trying to eat my breakfast. This was the catalyst for me visiting the Doctor where I eventually got a diagnosis of anxiety associated with my Benign Essential Tremor.
Fast forward 25 years and I have learned to live with my neurological condition but I’m not going to lie. It hasn’t been easy, far from it. I had a spell in my early thirties where I struggled with depression through to my mid thirties. Over the years I have learnt to recognise the signs of my unwelcome friend, as I have called her for many years. In my acceptance of these feelings it has helped me learn to live with my anxiety and Essential Tremor.
It’s still a learning curve, even after all these years, as I have navigated my medication free journey to live with my symptoms. After losing my beloved Nanna Brenda, I took to penning my thoughts, after I had written a eulogy for her funeral. Over the past 15 years I’ve been writing, to calm my ruminating thoughts. I started to write poetry which I have to say has been my saviour. As soon as I feel those intrusive thoughts I take my mind somewhere else.
I guess what I am saying is find something you enjoy. It could be anything like going to the gym, reading a book, painting or even just going out for some fresh air, going for a walk. For years the stress associated with my essential tremor, I have to a certain degree let it hold me back. That is until I found my go to, my safe place as it were, writing. I do not profess to be any good, it’s the pleasure I get from the process and the benefits for my inner calm and my inner peace.
Here’s something I’ve written
Give peace a chance
Do not underestimate peace
by thinking of your own self care
And your mental wellbeing
by becoming more self-aware
Time really is precious and
a thing that cannot be bought
Taking time to understand
your own feelings and thoughts
All too many times you have
put others needs before your own
Then the realisation hits that
you have never felt more alone
You may try to fill the void
seeking happiness in their approval
But therein lies the problem
so what happens in their refusal
At the heart of you is you
need to be there for you to be fulfilled
That’s easier said than done
when every emotional string is pulled
Parents and Grandparents
felt the same but society dictated
The stiff upper lip get on with
behind closed doors was translated
There’s information out there
some say it’s an Information overload
Instead of life’s ups and downs
attribute everything, enough to implode
Your self care is not selfish
is conducive to harmony and peace
To your mental health and your
wellbeing, to be the best you can be
