Content warning: Suicide
Many years ago, I attempted to take my own life.
I am grateful every day that I survived my suicide attempt.
So, a little bit about how I got to that point.
I was an abused child and as an adult I had unhealthy coping strategies. I internalised everything and blamed myself for it all. If I had just kept my mouth shut, Mum would love me more if I had just been a better daughter, Dad wouldn’t have broken my arm or my ribs, if I hadn’t wet the bed every night I wouldn’t have caused more work for mum, if I hadn’t been so thick at school they wouldn’t be ashamed of me, if I hadn’t been conceived they wouldn’t have had to get married and been so unhappy, everything was my fault. Mum idolised Dad and I was secondary.
I then fell in love with the local bad boy and eventually married him, he was a carbon copy of my dad but less physical violence and more coercive and mentally controlling, I was a worthless nobody, I was a failure at everything and needed to be guided by him, I was too fat, not pretty enough, my hair was the wrong colour, my skin was too pale blah blah blah. My response was to change me, I had an eating disorder, I lived on pro-plus and licked the flavouring off crisps but never ate them, I would then binge eat and make myself sick. By the time I got married I was a size 4 and fainting daily, but he was happy with me so it was all worth it, I wore the correct designer labels as he had picked my clothes for me, I dyed my hair blonde and grew it long and started using sunbeds. I was completely blind to what was happening to me and what had happened with my parents, I was a people pleaser and my needs were completely irrelevant.
I then had my first child and he was my world, he was my reason for being on this earth. He was also the start of me recognising that my childhood wasn’t normal as I knew that my sole purpose was to protect him from harm and love him unconditionally.
My parents’ then divorced and my mum told me that I had a half-brother (my dad’s child who was adopted) so I learned another lesson here – my dad always used to tell me that he only got so angry with me as he wanted the best for me as I was his first child and favourite, usually after he had hit me and had then calmed down (gas lighting 101). So my protective reasoning for the violence was a lie. She also told me she deliberately became pregnant with me as she knew dad wouldn’t want to lose another child, I was a means to an end but she eventually learned to love me and I was useful when he threatened to leave her. During their divorce my mum attempted suicide 3 times and my dad made 1 attempt and it was me who was contacted to deal with them. It became my job to protect them and every time things were difficult for one of them I saw it as my fault, I was failing as a daughter.
I then fell pregnant again and had a miscarriage. I felt like I was failing as a mother and a wife.
My emotions were spiralling but I couldn’t let it show and so I put a smile on my face and continued to be whatever I needed to be, the perfect, dutiful daughter, the perfect, dutiful wife and most importantly to me, the perfect mother to my child. And I managed all of this by drinking every night and controlling my weight. Everything was surface, everything looked perfect and I actually had work colleagues telling me how much they envied my life, I was a brilliant actor.
I then had my second child. I had two beautiful children and ‘a loving husband’, I was so lucky.
Then the negative thoughts started to creep in, slowly at first, how dare I be happy at having my second child when I had lost a baby, how dare I be happy when I had piled so much weight on during my pregnancy and never managed to lose, how dare I be happy when my mum and dad are so unhappy? I also started to recognise my husbands’ behaviour for the abuse that it was and tried to leave and he told me I could go but I was not taking his kids and he would win if I tried to get custody and I believed him (why wouldn’t I?).
Everything I had ever been told about how worthless I was and how much better off everyone would be without me became true to me. I now know I had post-natal depression but at the time I just knew I was worthless and making everyone unhappy. I had no control over anything not even my own thoughts and emotions and so one day (when my youngest child was about 2) when my husband took the kids out, and I attempted to take my own life. I was taken to A&E and kept in hospital and seen by the mental health team and assessed as requiring further input and a CPN for 3 years before being discharged from the mental health team. During the time with the CPN I talked through everything and recognised that I didn’t want to die that day, I wanted to stop the ride and get off for a while, I was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. I also started to realise that I am a worthwhile human being and not a failure. I would love to tell you I was ‘cured’ but it took a further 4 years of therapy to unravel the damage and misery that had been inflicted on an innocent child who then went into an abusive romantic relationship as a teenager and remained as an adult. But I do now know, none of it was my fault.
I am divorced from that husband and for a long time it was just me and my kids until I met a wonderful man and married him and we are still together. The damage my ex-husband did took a long time to heal but I got there. The damage my parents did never healed but I processed it and controlled it; I finally found peace when they both died. I know this may sound horrible but I was free of their mixed messages and the constant need for their approval. I now recognise this as cognitive dissonance and its effects are emotionally, physically and mentally draining. The people who are supposed to love and protect you are your tormentors, how is any child or adult supposed to reconcile that?
For me, there was no one thing that led me to that point. I look back on it all and liken myself to a sponge, I had absorbed as much as I could and couldn’t take in any more.
I hope sharing my story enables anyone who is feeling this way to recognise that although it may feel overwhelming at the moment and it may feel that you have nowhere to go other than to end your life, you are so much more than this moment. You are a worthwhile human being, you are valid, how you feel is valid, please, reach out and talk to someone. I am not going to lie to you and tell you it is an easy journey and I would be disingenuous of me if I said it isn’t painful and draining sometimes but it is so worth it all I promise you.
